Not so Pretty

I think I got tagged to do this post, but if not, oh well here it is anyways.

Tell 10 Not So Pretty things about yourself.

1. I have a horrible memory. It doesn't matter what its about, I don't remember. I don't remember my childhood, no memories, well few. It sucks when people talk about fun memories, and I can't remember them at all. It makes me feel like I have lost a part of who I am. This would be why I have taken pictures over the past few years every where I go, so that I can remember. This would also be why I started a pregnancy journal with Jaimen, have kept it going, started one for this baby, will keep it going, and then started another one, just for me. I like to read back and get my memories.

2. I am naturally not a bubbly person, I am a negative person. If a certain someone wants to help, or gives suggestions I truly believe they are somehow trying to manipulate the situation to better their life or themselves. I remember bad things over good things everyday. I constantly remind myself that if this were to happen, then so-and-so would react this way, thus ruining my day, or life. I worry to much. And this only happens with certain people. I am however happy around most people in my life, that's why they are in my life, they do make me happy. I just wish I were more bubbly, and had a funner personality.

3. I dread dropping Jaimen off and picking Jaimen up from Daycare because when I drop off in the morning he clings to me like I am leaving him for life, and feeding him to the pigs. He throws a complete tantrum in front of all the preschool children, and interrupts their class because I have to leave him screaming. When I pick him up he yells "NO!!!" and goes running the other direction, he will fight me like no other when I try to put his coat and shoes on. Sometimes I have to put him in time-out while picking him up. Going through this everyday makes my nights at home miserable, its really hard to change my mood after he just got done stepping all over me, and disrespecting me. I just have to tell myself- He is 2

4. I sit home way way way to much. Given I am 7 months pregnant right now, but even before I sat way to much for someone that has a 2 year old. I feel neglectful because I didn't take Jaimen to the zoo enough, or the park, or to friends, or dinner, or that I have never taken him to a movie, or even attempted too. My other friends, they do these things with their kids. I just don't, and I feel bad about it. Last summer we went to the pool once, all because I HATE being in a swimsuit in front of people. I go to bed wondering if I will be laying here in 10 years thinking, "I should have done more?" and then it will be to late.

5. I swear to much, and in front of my little person who likes to repeat things mommy says.
Example: 1-We are driving in the car and my little angel yells "He** sakes!! Honk Honk!! He** sakes!!" 2- Helping mommy in the garden, he drops a water pail, and says "Dammit" and "Oh Sh**" I promise that since I have noticed him repeating what I have said, I have stopped my dirty sailor mouth around him. In fact I have threatened to put others in time-out when they swear in front of Jaimen, others like other adults.

6. I wonder all the time if I was really meant to be a mom, and that I made a mistake by making this beautiful little boy live in this world with me. I don't deserve him, he is amazing, and perfect, and everything, just way more than I deserve. I love him more than anything possible, and am very scared that one day he will hate me, and never realize how much I love him. I love cuddling him at night after he is sleeping, I just wish he knew how much I want him to be happy.

7. I am lazy. Once I get up and start doing something, in the zone, I can't stop. Like cleaning, once I am in the zone, I just keep going. Problem is the zone happens like once every 3 months. I do tidy up, but I don't deep clean for months because I can't make myself do that. So next time you come to my house bring your mops, buckets, and gloves and get to work! When I get the home I want to live in, with pretty dark wood floors, and nice tile in the bathrooms, and granite counter tops I want to hire someone to come clean. Clean my floors, and cupboards, and walls. Alan won't let me, I told him, then he gets to do it :)

8. I have road rage. (Refer back to #5 for example)

9. I have really dry, white skin. Its ugly, and I hate it! I don't tan, I just burn and then peel, and then turn see through white again. The dry part is getting better because I am getting in the habit of moisturizing, but the white part will never change. Its not pretty milky white either, its blind you white. This would be the reason I hate getting in a swimsuit, this and the fact that I am too skinny.

10. I am too skinny. Have you ever heard that before?? Well right now I am not to skinny. Right now I have gained 24lbs so far in this pregnancy, and I absolutely LOVE every pound! I wish so so so so bad that I could keep every single pound I have gained except in different places, it would be weird to still have the pounds in the belly without a baby there. But in my legs, and butt, and arms, and boobies, I'll keep it! I have always been conscious of this, well since high school and I heard people asking or saying (behind my back) that I am anorexic. That hurts.